Friday, November 14, 2014

Go Easy on the Brussels Sprouts

What kind of flies are these? They look so realistic. I showed the vial to Kevin, who scowled like I was offering him a roadkill sandwich.

Houseflies, he said returning his attention to his ice hole. You should clean out your tackle box once in a while.

It was, of course, a leftover container of maggots from the last ice fishing trip of the previous winter. Maggots grow up to be houseflies. My ice fishing gear was in shambles, but at least I was physically prepared for the rigors of ice fishing. Allow me to share some tips for getting yourself into shape for the upcoming season.

Your preseason conditioning regimen will depend on the style of ice fishing you prefer. If you fish from the relative comfort of a collapsible ice shelter, you should start eating a lot of carrots. They are rich in beta-carotene (I know, right?), which has been shown to help with night vision. Obviously, you have to keep it pitch dark inside the shelter in order to see the maggot squirming deep in your ice hole. I would recommend increasing your carrot intake until your skin begins to turn orange, then back it off a couple of carrots.


 It can get mighty intense for a man, staring down his hole all day.
Youll probably be spending several hours sitting on the hard plastic of an upturned five-gallon bucket, so you want to make sure you have any hemorrhoid or colo-rectal issues under control before you hit the ice. Also, even if you have buns of steel, your ass will go to sleep if you sit in the same position for longer than one beer. Its a good idea to stand up every 20 minutes or so and clench your butt cheeks together several times. Clench, relax. Clench, relax. Just make sure you inform your fellow fishermen what youre doing so they dont get the wrong idea.

If youre fishing inside a shelter, do your buddies a favor and go easy on the Brussels sprouts, beans and other gas-producing foods. Itll probably be too cold to leave a flap open for ventilation, and you want to be invited back. Remember, if you let one rip while youre sitting on a plastic bucket, there will be no doubt as to who dealt it. And if the propane heater is on? The burns resulting from an anal flareup could be hard to explain in the ER.


 Q: How many ice fishermen does it take to drill a hole? A: Pass the whiskey 
You might prefer to fish outside, especially if its a bluebird day, and your friend Kevin who owns the shelter got in trouble with his wife and cannot go to the lake with you. Some core strengthening may be in order to facilitate a quick recovery when the edge of your bucket punches through the snow crust, spilling you onto your back and providing some wonderful entertainment for your companions. You know what they say: you have to get right back on that horse and get your eyeballs on that maggot.


One last thing to keep in mind for your ice fishing conditioning is the ability to imbibe in the morning and not be asleep by dinner time. Start training now by adding a shot of whiskey to your coffee every day, and soon youll be in tip top drinking shape, ready for another winter full of exciting times pulling trout and salmon through the ice at your favorite lake. Ah, who are we kidding. Weve been training for that since 1983.


 Just to be clear, this is the fish, not the bait. Pass the whiskey.



Bob Wire writes words and plays music in Missoula, Montana. This father of two teenage redheads spends much of his time working frantically to keep up with his kids, but is usually a step or two behind. Fortunately his long-suffering wife keeps an eye on the ball and knows where everything is.
Bob’s blog, “Bob Wire Has a Point (It’s Under His Cowboy Hat),” runs weekly at makeitmissoula.com. He writes with no holds barred from his unique perspective as a beer-swilling, guitar-slinging, road-tripping, fly-fishing, meeting-skipping, freelancing, dinner-cooking bigmouth. Sports, politics, drinking, Missoula culture, education, music, the outdoors, the indoors, travel, drinking—Bob spouts off on all that and more.
His blogs have been anthologized into a series of eBooks, The Bob Wire Chronicles, which are available for download at Amazon.com.
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